Michael Fontes - An Elementary Guide to Win Co Fo

Clear as Mud

The teams wear different coloured jerseys and the object of the game is to kick the ball (an ordinary soccer ball) over the end. Try to work out which team is kicking in which direction. This ought not to be difficult unless the players are very incompetent; back passing is allowed but unusual. As in soccer, games have two halves of equal length. In the top games the teams just change ends at half time; they don't break for oranges and encouragement. In the ordinary games the boys stop for a few minutes at halftime to get their breath back, chat to their girlfriends, or fish errant balls out of the river.

Teams may consist of 15,12,10,9, or 6 players. In the first half of the term games are usually 15 - 10 a-side; the 6 a-side version is usually played in the second half of term only - don't ask me why; for reasons historically connected with Boat Club, I expect. Try to work out how many boys there are in each colour: WARNING some teams sometimes have certain players in blue shirts even though the rest of the team may be, for instance, in white - these are the goalkeeper-equivalents; they will probably be at the back of their respective sides.  You ought to be able to tell which team they are playing for by seeing in which direction they usually face.

The game has a language of its own. Try to position yourself near someone who is using this language pretty freely and never forget that he's most unlikely to know what he's talking about; just enjoy what he says as a linguistic exoticism, as you might a wild flower. I shall use the vocabulary of the game progressively and then only for the sake of brevity.

If it's very muddy remember that the mud comes flying through the netting at the side. Spectators often become covered in mud for they can approach very close to the play. This is half the fun of watching a muddy game, but you might like to be mentally and sartorially prepared.

After watching for a few minutes try saying to yourself 'how did this game evolve?' The aim is very simple, to boot the ball over the end. The rules are complicated because they evolved to make achievement of this simple aim intriguingly difficult; each rule was made in response to a perceived need. People who try to learn the rules without learning why each rule was made set themselves a daunting and tedious task. I am going to try to teach you the important rules by explaining why the boys felt they needed them.

Next week - the scoring system

The Scoring System

(you won't enjoy watching unless you understand the scoring system, so here goes - hold on to your hats, boys):

When one side succeeds in getting the ball to go over the other side's goal line and the ref doesn't blow for a foul, the one side has probably scored. If it goes over cleanly (out of the scrum, not touched by a defender, in the middle rather than between the netting and the post holding the ropes) a goal is scored. Goals are worth three points.

If it doesn't go over cleanly a behind is scored. A behind is worth one point.

Behinds can be converted. The conversion is worth a further two points.

So remember, three sorts of score: goal (3), behind (1), conversion (2). A converted behind is worth the same as a goal.

Question: How can I tell a goal from a behind without listening to the boy next to me, who might be wrong?

Answer: By what happens next: if a goal is scored the side which conceded all go off up the field and their goalkeeper-equivalent punts it up the field from behind them. If a behind is scored everyone (on both teams) goes behind the defending side's goal line, except for two or three (the goalkeeper-equivalents) of the attacking side; the goalkeeper-equivalent of the defending side kicks the ball out and the two or three of the attacking side try to kick it back cleanly over the end. If they succeed they have converted the behind, and the game restarts as it would after a goal.

Alternative answer: you can usually tell a goal from a behind by the degree of jubilation demonstrated by the supporters of the attacking side (in the big games they will probably be wearing war-paint in the colours of their side). A goal is a top score and provokes much elation - beating of drums and trumpeting, as in a Handel Coronation Anthem. A behind will be greeted with tension, people wondering if it will be converted. If it is converted then that is the best outcome for the attacking side and so more trumpeting is in order).

If the behind is not converted that is a disappointment for the attacking side, so expect jeers from supporters of the defending side. There is no score and the game continues normally.

Next week- Positions on the pitch

Positions on the Pitch

You have to be very unobservant not to notice that the players adopt positions which resemble those well known in more familiar games. In Winchester Football there are three sorts of player: players in the scrum, players like scrum halves, players like goalkeepers.

Players in the scrum. A scrum is called a hot and the scrum collectively is known as the hot. Players in the hot are known either as men in the hot or hot-men. A hot is the usual way of restarting after a foul or if the ball goes out of the ground. The game is fiercely territorial, so where the hot takes place matters and it pays to have impressively muscled boys in your hot. A dominating side will count on moving closer and closer to the other side's goal line. A strong hot wins the ball for its side when there is a foul or when the ball goes out: a well-organised hot provides a blanket in defence and makes the ball available for its scrum-halves to score in attack

Scrum halves. They are called hotwatches (4 in the 15-a-side version, 2 in 10-a-side, 1 in the 6-a-side).

You can tell hotwatches because they hang around the back of the hot, like scrum halves. They are the eyes and ears of the hot and relay instructions to the hot - usually either 'take it with you' or 'have it out'. You take the ball up the field in the hot when you are in defence, or if you are playing into a strong wind, or if you wish to be irritating, to prevent the other side from scoring; you have it out if you want it bouncing around in the middle of the pitch, so that you can score yourselves. Hotwatches are often short and adroit and Machiavellian: Hitler would have been a hotwatch.

Players like goalkeepers. They are called kicks (3 in the 15-a-side version, 2 in the other versions) and, like goalkeepers, kicks have special privileges about using their hands, privileges which extend over the whole playing surface.  Other players may only touch the ball with their hands when they try to catch it when it comes to them straight off an opponent. Kicks may use their hands to stop the ball, place it on the ground and kick it. Kicks need to be good at catching and punting: Peter Schmeichel and Jonny Wilkinson would be good kicks.

You should now have mastered the scoring system and understand the three different types of position on the pitch.

Next week: the offside rule-why it is necessary and how it works.

The Offside Rule

Think of the game as a kicking game between the goalkeeper-equivalents (the Kicks) on each side, which is probably how it originated. Each side kicks the ball in tum, trying to boot it over their opponents' goal line - rather agreeably called Worms in Winchester Football. If the ball goes straight over worms they score a goal; if it's touched by the defence before it goes over they score a behind. If they don't get it over but it is caught by the other side, the other side in tum try to kick it over the first side's worms. If you catch it cleanly you can punt it (bust it); if you don't catch it you can kick it off the ground.  Think of the game as a sort of tennis played with a football but without nets or rackets.

Now add a lot of other boys who want to join in the fun. They run up the field to try to make life difficult for the opponents' kicks when they catch the ball. Obviously the centre of the pitch frequently needs clearing of these players or the essence of the game will be lost. The offside rule which does this, which clears the space between the kicks, is called behind your side. Wykehamist notions contain many perverse turns of logic and the behind your side rule is a good example: it forces anyone who is in front of his side to get back behind the kicker whenever the ball is played. Each time someone kicks the ball the whole of his side ahead of him are disabled from further participation in the game until they go back to the point (the horizontal across the pitch) at which he played it. You can, however, be played on side by someone on your side playing the ball ahead of you. Effectively this sweeps the centre of the pitch every time the ball is played: anyone behind the kicker is onside; anyone ahead is behind his side. The referee has to make a mental note of where everyone is every time the ball is played: it's one of the things which makes the game such fun to referee.

Note that you remain offside (behind your side) until you've been back to where it was last played by one of your side, or until it's played by one of your side ahead of you. You are NOT played onside by the kicker running up the field beyond you.

Behind your side carries a high tariff penalty - two posts back - like several other of the most important rules (the rule against dribbling (dribble) and the rule against forward passing (tag)).

If you are the sort of person who likes shouting abuse at the ref in soccer matches then the key cries for you are 'behind your side', 'tag' and 'dribble'. If you care about the accuracy of what you say you must wait a little before shouting 'tag' or 'dribble' - they are for a later lesson. I hope you feel confident enough about behind your side to shout it once or twice during a match now. Incidentally, such cries are regarded as poor form when they come from the players and can lead to severe words from referees. But the referees' authority doesn't easily extend beyond the canvas (the open-mesh netting which prevents the ball from going out at the side of the pitch), so spectators often feel less inhibited about expressing their views.

Next week - Tag and Dribble